The End
by DarkShine07
Summary: Shepard loses sight of what she's fighting for. Angst-ridden.


Anderson was moving so slowly and unnaturally that Shepard knew something was amiss the minute he turned around to face her, bloodied wounds upon his face giving him a ghostly, haunting expression. Shepard winced as her side throbbed yet again. The wound she'd taken earlier was not getting any better as more blood seeped lazily out and stained her hand. She didn't have time for the pain right now, though, she had to stop this. Anderson tried to take a couple of feeble steps toward her, but his pace was so haggard her stomach lurched for him. Anderson was tough as nails, but something had gone terribly wrong.

"Anderson?"

"Shepard…I can't…" was the meek reply.

Shepard stared, dumbstruck, a few more minutes at the man she'd been working so hard to make proud ever since she had set foot in the SR1; she'd never seen him like this. He wasn't himself.

"I underestimated you, Shepard." Came a raspy, sardonic voice. One that she knew all too well.

She tried to turn to face him, but the Illusive Man strode confidently past her, moving like a shark circling its prey. His face was distorted almost beyond recognition, grey and garish with a faint, blue flicker flashing from his eyes. His cheeks had sunken in drastically, making him look like he was hollowing from the inside out. It was a sore sight, and if it hadn't been for his trademark voice that reeked of smokiness, she wouldn't have even known him.

"Wha..?" She tried to speak, but her body betrayed her and she couldn't sound as strong as she had intended to.

The man turned to face her, taking note of her weakened state with a smirk. "I warned you. Control is a means to survival. Control of the Reapers. And of you, if necessary."

A black, inky shroud clouded Shepard's vision for a foggy moment, making her feel dizzy and lightheaded. The Illusive Man scrutinized her as she took a hazy step backward, unsure of her footing, looking rather pleased all the while. Shepard shook her head timidly, fighting the strange daze. Anderson grumbled in protest from his position, gaining the other man's attention when he did.

"They're…controlling _you._" He stated drastically.

"I don't think so, Admiral."

"Let me destroy the Reapers." Shepard butted in, trying to distract the Illusive Man from Anderson.

It seemed to have worked. The Illusive Man crossed his arms, thoughtfully, before smiling and moving closer to Shepard. "Still not a believer? When humanity discovered the mass relays, when we learned there was more to the galaxy than we imagined, there were some who thought the relays should be destroyed. They were scared of what we'd find, terrified of what we might let in." The man had begun pacing about the circular chamber the three had found themselves in. He moved over behind Anderson's shuddering form, gesturing coolly with his hands, "But, look at what humanity has achieved. Since that discovery, we've advanced more than the past ten thousand years combined. And the Reapers will do the same for us again, a thousand fold. But…"

As the Illusive Man refocused his attention and began moving leisurely back toward Shepard, the darkness moved in on her mind once more. It was more intense this time, grating at her thoughts, urging her to heed what the man was saying, to obey. Her head began aching intensely, making her audibly groan and double over momentarily. She tried to clear her head, to remember why she was here. What was the reason? Saving…saving what? Saving whom? _Who? _

It was only a few days before, when she'd lost her real drive. She'd lost hope. He'd come to her, asked her what was bothering her, but she'd only pushed him away. She'd told him there was no point to it; there was no point in trying to pick up where they had left off. She didn't have the strength, mentally or physically. But, his eyes, those warm, amber eyes of his that seemed to melt into liquid syrup when he gazed at her, caught her for a moment. He'd lifted his hand to her cheek, pulled her into his chest, and held her close, trying whatever he could to lend her comfort, soothe her worries.

"Shepard, you can't give up. I know you can do this. I believe in you."

She opened her eyes at that, and jerked away. He tried to grab hold of her arm and stop her, but she wiggled loose and started away hastily, feeling tears springing to her eyes.

"Shepard! Wait, why are you running?" Came Kaidan's hurt voice, yanking at her heartstrings.

She shook her head ever so slightly, more to herself than to anyone else, and bolted for the elevator. She watched as the doors closed shut before the man she'd really let go of so long before only moments ago desperately tried to reach her before she disappeared, but it was far too late. She'd given up. They didn't have the time to fix whatever it was that had gone wrong between them. She didn't even feel the need to try anymore. Sometimes, things were a simply too little and too late. Whatever she had felt for her major, whatever she still felt, it didn't matter anymore. She owed her life to the millions of people throughout the universe depending on her not to screw up – she couldn't afford to be selfish any longer.

When she'd gotten ready to leave the Normandy and descend to Earth in the final push, she hadn't been planning on what happened when Kaidan sought her out at the campsite set upon the edge of the main battlefield. She had said her farewells to her other companions and had avoided him specifically and was feeling rather gloomy as she made towards the exit. But, he'd found her, despite everything she'd done to push him away and isolate herself in her despondency, he'd still come after her. He grasped her arm and pulled her to face him, giving her no choice this time; there was no elevator to escape to out here on the battlegrounds.

"Kaidan, I-" She began, nerves making her sound timorous. Or maybe, she really was just scared.

"Shepard, hear me out. I know you're unsure about what he had. Have. We still have something. I never let go, and I never will. How could I? Love isn't something you can just stop feeling. I know you're afraid that this is not going to be enough, that we've lost our chance. But, we haven't. We're going to make it out of this, save the world like we always do, and then there will be plenty of time to figure things out. Okay, Shepard? Tell me you understand."

She sighed as she looked at him, seeing how full of hope he was, how determined and sincere. He was so damned sure that everything was going to be fine, that it would all return to normal soon. It was inspiring, touching, and now, when there was literally everything left to lose, she felt herself weakening ever so wretchedly. She knew it wasn't wise, that it was going beyond wishful thinking, but the way he was holding her and the glow in his eyes turned her heart against her mind, and she nodded to him. He let out a sigh of relief, and then leaned in to kiss her passionately, not caring who saw. She had missed him so much, and she couldn't deny she savored his touch, trying to memorize exactly how his lips felt against her own.

"I'll see you soon." Kaidan said when she pulled away.

"Of course." She replied half-heartedly before turning and heading off to goddess knew what was awaiting her. She hadn't a clue she would barely recognize him the next time she saw him.

"Only if we can harness their ability to control."

The Illusive Man's voice brought her back to the present. He was leaning toward her, most likely wondering if she could still hear him. She had lost track of where she was for a few minutes there, the shroud seeping through her memories and trying to eradicate the things most precious to her. It was throwing everything out that had mattered, so that she honestly couldn't remember why she had been fighting against the Illusive Man so resolutely up until this point. The word 'control' echoed in her thoughts. Control…control was power…control was the only way…

"Bull shit." Came Anderson's fading voice. "We destroy them, or they destroy us."

Shepard tried to look past the Illusive Man and focus on the man behind him. She could only faintly recall who he was now. The name Anderson sounded familiar, but why he was disagreeing did not make much sense to her. The Illusive Man turned and smiled thinly.

"And waste this opportunity? Never."

"We have the Crucible!" Anderson objected again.

"There's only one way to use the Crucible effectively. I've studied the Reapers my entire life, and I know with certainty that the Crucible will allow me to control them." The Illusive Man countered, his expression signaling his conviction in what he said.

"And…then what?" Shepard ventured. She just barely recalled the Crucible, the project that was supposed to be the only way to destroy the Reapers. But, she didn't…want to destroy them, something told her. They were an asset. They were to be kept around.

"Look at the power they yield; look at what they can do!" The Illusive Man declared, speaking more to her than the other man. Anderson. He ignored her question, but she didn't notice. All she heard was 'power.'

Before she realized what was happening, the voice in her heard demanded her to pull the trigger. To aim at the objector and be rid of him. Something deep inside her resisted, but she wasn't sure why. Why shouldn't she obey? Her hands rose of their own volition and she found the old man in her sights. _Shoot,_ the voice commanded. She blinked, and an instant later the echoing of a gunshot resonated in the chamber as the man slumped down. The Illusive Man watched indifferently, and then refocused on Shepard.

"He was rambling, or at least I thought so." The man remarked casually.

_Now, him_. The voice resumed. Shepard hesitated. _Yes, him. We are not to be controlled_. She slowly shifted so that the Illusive Man was her target. He blinked in disbelief, realizing what she was doing.

"What are you…no…Shepard, you need me. I am the only one who knows how to control the Reapers."

_He's lying, no one can control us, _the voice whispered seductively in her head. _He was a tool. We needed to get you here, and he was the only way._

"Shepard…think about this…"

_Shoot._

She gritted her teeth, feeling like she was no longer in control of herself, but nevertheless, her finger obeyed the command, and a second shot roared into life as a bullet raced across the room and lodged itself square in the blue-eyed man's chest. He fell over, tumbling down beside the body of the other man - she'd already forgotten his name. She could hear the faintest chuckle inside her head, a pleased sound that told her she had done well. That gave her some sense of satisfaction. She lowered her gun and looked around the room. The console was beckoning, and the voice wanted her to disable the Crucible. She moved toward it slowly, only then remembering that she'd been injured earlier. Her side ached excruciatingly.

Footsteps echoed in the distance, far behind her. _Ignore it. _The voice commanded sharply, and she kept moving toward the console, though she was making dreadfully slow progress in her condition. She'd lost a lot of blood while the two men had argued only moments before. Everything was such a blur…The voice could tell she was ailing. _Hurry, _it insisted, desperation hitching in its voice.

The footsteps reached the chamber and slowed, but she still was determined to pretend no one was there. She was making guttural noises as she limped onward, the pain becoming very nearly unbearable.

"Shepard…what happened?"

She thought she knew that voice. There was something about it. She halted in her tracks. Turned her head. Laid eyes upon yet another man. He was dark-haired, brown-eyed, tall, muscular. He was eerily familiar, like she had used to know him, in a past life or in a dream, perhaps. The voice was screaming at her to keep going, to ignore him, but for the moment, she was entranced.

"Shepard, what are you doing?"

"The Crucible must be deactivated." The voice responded for her, taking over her vocals without the slightest warning. It was frightening how easily it wrested control over her body from her. She wouldn't have minded a moment ago, but for some reason, she wasn't sure she liked it.

"What are you saying? We're here to destroy the Reapers!" The man took note of the corpses, his eyes glistening.

"This is the natural way of things. We were made to be obliterated." Was the voice's reply.

"Oh, Shepard…no…"

She felt something twinge in her soul as the man seemed to break inside. He looked down for the briefest moment, inhaling sharply. His body trembled, from weariness or something altogether different, she could not tell. The most primal of sounds emitted from his throat, something that would make anyone's heart ache for him. He lifted his gaze once again, his eyes moist and his expression pained.

"Don't make me do this." He told her.

She tilted her head, uncomprehending until the man lifted his gun, pointing it directly at her. He meant to shoot? The voice was unpleased. _Kill him._ She lifted her own weapon and turned it on him, the console forgotten for the moment.

"Remember what we're fighting for! For life! For us!" The man exclaimed, yelling with a hoarse tone.

"Our time is over." She replied stonily, though it was still the voice speaking through her. Inside, she felt his words echo off into oblivion. They used to mean something to her, but she couldn't remember what, or why. She'd lost her memories of what mattered. She could only just recall him. His name materialized for a moment, just long enough for the voice to find it.

"You either join me, or you're against me, Kaidan." It declared.

He shook his head, "Shepard, Shepard…I was always with you. But, this…this isn't you anymore."

"Then you are against me." The voice clarified.

"I am against the Reapers." Kaidan said vehemently, anger flashing as he quivered all over. She could see him visibly shaking.

"Then, so be it."

"I love you, Shep-"

The shot had rung before he'd been able to finish. The voice screamed. _The console!_ Shepard saw the man fall and slump over just as the others had before him. The voice had made her shoot. The man, Kaidan, was going to shoot her after whatever he was trying to say, and the voice had known. She felt some sadness inside at his dying, but the voice told her it didn't matter. Nothing did. Everything was going to be all right now. This was how things were supposed to be. All was right in the world, thanks to her. She smiled as she found the buttons on the console and punched in the combination.


End file.
